Stephen Ministry Recommended Reading

When the Time Comes: Families with Aging Parents Share Their Struggles and Solutions

Paula Span

Review (Sept. 6, 2009):

One important message of this book was headlined in a recent Washington Post article: “Their Parents’ Keepers: As the elderly live longer, with more serious ailments, children step up to the difficult task of care – and often find it unexpectedly rewarding.”

Paula Span’s journey began a few years ago when she was working on a story for the Washington Post Magazine that involved spending months visiting the residents of an assisted living facility in Bethesda, Maryland. Her personal journey now continues with her 86 year-old father.
This book is not a “how-to manual.” Rather, the author thinks of it as support group in print. Nevertheless, the chapters contain information from researchers and experts about aging and eldercare, as well as data and discoveries from academic studies.

As one’s parents age, Span observes that conversations with friends turn from pediatricians and SATs to geriatricians and ADLs (activities of daily living). One startling set of facts is that “less than five percent of the elderly live in institutions…. Nursing home use has been falling for 20 years, even among those over 85. Overwhelmingly, the people who take care of seniors are the people who always have: their families.”

One important realization for all of us is that there is a “caregiver burden.” This is a catchall phrase for the physical, psychological, and financial stresses involved in shouldering responsibility for a loved one’s well-being. Becoming aware of this is one of the useful reasons for learning about caregiving before you think you need to know about it. Chapters on “Staying Put” in one’s home, “Moving In” with the caregiver, “Moving On” to assisted living and later to a nursing home, and finally to hospice care, enable the reader to gain a sense of the “journey.”

Both growing old and caring for the elderly are unpredictable journeys. By reading this book, one may be able to learn enough to reduce the “caregiver burden” and experience some significant “caregiver gain.”

Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying

Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley

Review (July 26, 2009):
This is a very poignant and revealing book written by nurses who for many years have specialized in the care of the dying. Based upon years of observation of the dying, the authors offer insight into the needs of the dying, as well as how they communicate and the special awareness that the dying experience. “Final Gifts” refers to how one can learn from the dying by simply listening “with our ears, with our hearts, and with open minds.”

The term the authors give to the special awareness of the dying is “Nearing Death Awareness,” which they define as a special knowledge about – and sometimes control over – the process of dying. By listening to those going through the experience, one can obtain a further understanding of what it is like to die, and what is needed to die peacefully, bringing comfort to both the dying and those who love them.

The Wounded Healer

Henri J.M. Nouwen

Review (July 26, 2009):

We are all called to be “Wounded Healers.” The author of this little book, Father Henri J.M. Nouwen (1932-1996), was a Dutch-born Roman Catholic priest who authored 40 books on the spiritual life which are read today by Protestants and Catholics alike. In this classic inspirational work Father Nouwen addresses the calling and challenges of Christian ministers in today’s increasingly secular world, and also speaks powerfully to the layperson - to you and me as we minister to those around us.

The Wounded Healer begins with a description of Nouwen’s conception of modern homo sapiens, termed “nuclear man.” This 20th/21st century human is consciously or unconsciously preoccupied with the “suicidal potentials of his own world.” He sees the world as literally a dead-end proposition, without hope or promise. Nuclear man therefore focuses on the immediate gratification of his own short-term needs and desires. With no hope or expectation for the now, much less for the hereafter, Nouwen writes that “it is certainly not surprising that nuclear man cannot find adequate expression of his experience in symbols such as Hell, Purgatory, Heaven, Hereafter, Resurrection, Paradise and the Kingdom of God.” How then does nuclear man and woman escape from this quandary? The author points to two “Ways” out of this predicament: the mystical way and the revolutionary way. In Nouwen’s view, these “ways” are both components of the “Christian Way” - wherein Christ’s “appearance in our midst has made it undeniably clear that changing the human heart and changing human society are not separate tasks, but are as interconnected as the two beams of the cross.”

Thus, the Christian turns inward for God’s voice (the mystical way), but also is a keen observer and actor in the world (the revolutionary way). Nouwen says that these ways, this Way, are known and distinguished by three outcomes: personal care for others which asks one to give his life for his brother/sister, a deep faith in the value and meaning of life, and a strong love that breaks through the boundaries of death.

The heart of the book is an application of Nouwen’s convictions to a painful, real-life experience - a minister’s conversations with a man about to undergo life-threatening surgery, a man who fears death but feels no joy in the prospect of returning to the life he has been living. By following the Way of Christ and sensing his own wounds (Nouwen himself suffered frequent bouts with clinical depression), the Wounded Healer is able to focus on the needs of this one lost soul, bringing to him, and thereby to himself, a measure of God’s grace.

This book is recommended as a guide and inspiration for all those who seek to do God’s will in serving and supporting others.

How Can I Help

June Cerze Kolf

Review (May 3, 2009):

The recurring theme in this book is the importance of listening. Oftentimes being there is more important than the words one says. However, the author, June Cerza Kolf, does suggest some statements one might make that express compassion and caring rather than often-spoken clichés, which can be confusing and even painful to the griever.

The author reminds us that grief does not have a time limit and that we all handle grief differently. She encourages us to be open and receptive to individual needs. As Ms. Kolf shares real- life stories, one becomes more sensitive to the needs of the griever and more aware of the many ways to show love and compassion – immediately and throughout the years ahead.

The TurnAround Mom: How an Abuse and Addiction Survivor Stopped the Toxic Cycle for Her Family and How You Can, Too

Carey Sipp

Review (April 19, 2009):

This is a book about love…love for parents, love for children, love for friends and family, and love for self. It is written by a woman who has spent her life coming to terms with the difficulties of her past, refusing to be defined by what she experienced there. It is a book about learning to make sane, hopeful, and healthy decisions regarding the present and future. This is a book for anyone who has suffered through (or even just watched from the sidelines) the crazy maze of addiction, abuse, and anger that living with (or actually being) someone dependent on alcohol or drugs can be, and who wants to change old patterns and replace them with healthy new ones.

This is a book about courage…the courage to accept the things that can’t be changed, the courage to change the things that can, and the elusive, evasive, but ultimately rewarding ability to discern the difference. My friend, Carey Sipp, writes a book filled with pain, tears, and hope that serves as a guide to anyone who truly wants to break the dysfunctional cycle of the past and replace it with a productive, honest, God-focused plan for the future. This book touched my heart and encouraged my soul, and I pray it might do the same for you.

Measure of the Heart

Mary Ellen Geist

Review (March 22, 2009):

How can you stand by when one of the people you love is suffering? How do you care for someone who doesn’t even remember your name? How do you measure accomplishments in your life? These are the questions Mary Ellen Geist tries to answer in her book, Measure of the Heart: A Father’s Alzheimer’s, A Daughter’s Return, the story of her father’s Alzheimer’s disease and her mother’s difficulty in caring for him.

Ms. Geist leaves her job as a CBS radio reporter in New York and returns home to Michigan. Over two years she helps her mother attend to her father’s needs, helping keep him in their world. By trial and error the family learns to take care of her father’s daily requirements as normally as possible. Despite all the hardships there is often joy and love shared in the day-to-day living.This book offers a great deal of insight as well as information on a family’s survival during serious illness.

Healing from Family Rifts

Mark Sichel, LCSW

Review (Feb. 22, 2009):

This book is a collection of stories about what it means to face and overcome the devastation of family estrangement, with principles and techniques any person involved in a family rift can profitably apply to help heal and reclaim his or her life.

Practicing psychotherapy in New York City since 1980, Mr. Sichel is a supervisor and teacher of psychotherapists and is affiliated with the Postgraduate Center for Mental Health. His website, www.psybersquare.com, was awarded the WWW Health Award for Excellence in 2000.

When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Children Don't Get Along

Joshua Coleman, Ph.D.

Review (Feb. 22, 2009):

This book supports parents who are struggling with the heartache of having an adult child who is troubled, angry, or distant. Such rifts can cause unspeakable sorrow that parents too often must bear alone.

Dr. Coleman has been featrued in The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, Parenting, Cosmopolitan, and Family Circle magazines, to name a few, and has appeared on CNN and ABC. He serves on the Board of the Council on Contemporary Families and the training faculty of the San Francisco Psychotherapy Research Group.

The Year of Magical Thinking

Joan Didion

Review (Feb. 8, 2009):

In one year, Joan Didion loses her writing partner and spouse of 40 years, John Dunne, and watches her daughter battle a life-threatening illness. Winner of the National Book Award, The Year of Magical Thinking is an autobiographical examination of marriage, partnership, parenting, illness, and friendship by one of America’s top authors. It is a survival story: how one woman’s psyche adapts to operate under an unimaginable amount of stress and loss.

Didion records an honest description of the thoughts churning inside the mind of a surviving spouse and grieving mother. This excellent memoir offers the reader valuable insight into how an intelligent, caring human being deals with loss. The powerful content and raw writing style, this book is best suited for the reader who has had some time to heal from their own personal experience with tragedy.

Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart: How to Relate to Those Who are Suffering

Kenneth C. Haughk, Ph.D.

Review (Nov. 30, 2008):

Suffering and caring are equally challenging. Those who suffer need comforting words and gestures from people who care. Those who care need to know what helps and what hurts individuals who suffer emotional and physical pain. Kenneth Haugk has made a career of training people in pastoral care for others through Stephen Ministries. Joan Haugk’s illness and death created a personal challenge for the author of “Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart.” His approach blends skill and feeling with appropriate admonitions to avoid painful mistakes.

This is a practical guide for anyone who would like to know what helps people who suffer. Dr. Haugk believes that ordinary human beings can attain skills useful for this purpose. For those who wish to be a profound presence in the lives of others, “Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart” is a most helpful resource. It can be found in the Stephen Ministries section of Trinity Library.